August 2018: A Ball of Uncertainties, Losing My Blogging Voice
September is here and it’s clear that this year is moving very quickly. It’s honestly crazy how fast time flies. I’m sure you’re rolling your eyes considering many people say this, but it’s still a wonder. Just 9 months ago I was at church hoping to do better, but I’ve actually become worse than when I first started 2018. It’s not me being exaggerative, it’s me stating facts.
My spiritual life is as stale as bread left out in the open for two weeks or longer. Educationally, I’d say I’m okay but of course I could be better. Other aspects are just on a decline. How did I come to this conclusion? Well, it’s been quite the year, filled with decisions good and bad.
Let me recap August so I can one day come back to read, and hopefully, just hopefully, I’ll be in a better place than I am now. This will sound a bit rant-ish, but I need to get my thoughts out there.
Exams & Group Studying
One of the best and worst things August brought with it was the exam period. On one hand, I finally joined a study group of some sort, which I know will contribute greatly to my grades (hoping to get outstanding ones this time!). It was a great time for bonding and just connecting. When I study, I like to be alone and left alone – I don’t want people asking me stupid questions to disorient me.
It’s really annoying because most times I’m not prepared. People see me as someone who is always buried in her books, but little do they know that sometimes I finish a whole level i.e. 300L and only open my textbooks like 3-5 times, or sometimes not at all. I’m a mess when it comes to being organised – I get distracted easily. I leave things until last minute and it ALWAYS bites me in the backside.
When I leave things last minute, I get stressed. And when I get stressed, I want nobody to add extra stress to me. When people do add extra stress, I tend to snap. Especially when they won’t just accept when I say ‘I don’t know’.
Still, I am highly appreciative of classmates who stay on top of their studying and read so much that they can teach people, especially in a group setting. So yeah, exams went okay for the most part, but we can never really say until we see the results – coming in a few days!
there's so much advice out there on finances including various books such as the Smart Money Woman, but at the end of the day, if you're not intentional, nothing will help you #finances #frugalliving Click To Tweet
The Great Depression?
One of the most disappointing parts of this month was the way my finances dwindled to nothing. I knew I had a problem when I saw my bank account balance was just N76 or so. It was a very depressing period – I hate having anything less than N10,000 – because N10,000 is like a cushion for emergencies.
It’s forced me to think about things like what the hell I’m spending on, and how to make better financial decisions. Honestly, there’s so much advice out there on finances including various books such as the Smart Money Woman, but at the end of the day, if you’re not intentional, nothing will help you. I’m in that place right now. I don’t know why money keeps flying – I don’t want a repeat this month or ever again. It doesn’t matter that I wrote a post on the Smart Money Woman, I’m still repeating the same dumb habits – lack of budget, poor financial decisions, impulse buys – the list goes on.
The Business Side of Things
This is really really hard for me right now. In August I really faced a lot of struggles relating to my photography business. It’s not even about taking the photos, but it’s about the business surrounding it. I also heard a lot of things and advice was coming in from left and right, making me even more confused. Until now, I still haven’t figured things out.
This has really become a burden on my shoulders, and I just want it gone. I also realised that it’s not by force to take all advice you get. Advice, though from a good place most of the time, is not something you just take on immediately. You at the end of the day must discern what is best for you, and assess yourself.
Losing My Blogging Voice
Read: Oh, Niche-less One
I realise that I’ve really been struggling though I guess I didn’t want to admit it. I started blogging to just have a space where I could share my thoughts and ‘adventures’ with the world in a safe space I would call my own on the internet. I didn’t think I would be where I am today – which is a huge plus yet a minus at the same time.
On one hand, I’ve suddenly bought a domain and hosting plan, started offering product photography as a service to others, amongst other things. Heck, I’ve developed skills in photography and I’m still learning. Yet, at the same time, a stagnancy has crawled up. I mean, I don’t have it all figured out – I never have. Now I don’t feel like myself anymore for the most part. I’m majorly confused about many things – but blogging is another terrain.
The Other Side of Blogging
Blogging goes beyond the writing of posts and perhaps taking of pretty photos to attach to it. I soon started learning about SEO and ranking and all that stuff, and frankly I feel overwhelmed. While it’s good that there are so many avenues to gain information, especially regarding blogging, It feels overwhelming – there’s just so many layers and of course, so many things to do!
The other day, someone said something along the lines of me not basically doing the same things that got my audience attracted to me in the first place. While I don’t completely agree, I can admit that recently things have felt a bit bleh. I’ve been feeling bound – I receive advice but I don’t really know how to implement it. I don’t know what categories to have – left to me, I just want to write my thoughts and feelings down, but it feels like it won’t really make an impact. I feel like I always have to tackle topics that can be search engine optimised. Writing any post, I feel nervous when I don’t have a keyword for it – the grey glow of the Yoast Plugin stares at me judgementally.
Blogging has become a bit overwhelming, if I’m being honest. I haven’t even been actively posting on Instagram either. I hope it’s just a phase I’ll grow out of when I get things together. Until then, I’m struggling.
There Is Time for Everything
In August, we found out our pastor was being moved to another parish. When he was preaching on his last Sunday, he used the theme time for everything. I couldn’t stop crying throughout the whole service. I know there’s time for everything, but it just didn’t seem fair– even if it was a promotion basically. The fact that I wouldn’t be seeing his face around made me so sad, and memories of the past 3 years went rushing through my mind.
It got me thinking about how change just happens. Now we’re anticipating the new pastor with all sorts of expectations and questions – will he continue the programs started by our outgoing pastor? Will they dance wildly at Thanksgiving? What will their personality be like?
Personally, I’m not a huge fan of change. I usually cry a lot, then eventually adapt, but the first few days or moments are hard to process. Be it death, having someone travel after visiting for a short time, I tend to just cry. I guess there’s nothing wrong with crying, as long as you can adapt eventually.
In August, I did exams, did about 5 product photoshoots (yay to expanding my portfolio + of course money) but was broke most of the time. I also started making a wig with a closure, and It’s going to have to be concluded before school resumes – I’ve procrastinated soo much on it.
While I was looking forward so much to the holidays, I haven’t really achieved much apart from lazing about in my room. I wish I had more photo-shoots, but it’s all-good! I’m just thankful for the opportunity to rest my mind from all things law for now – well registration begins September 10 and results will be out soon! I thought I’d adventure to at least one cafe in Abuja these holidays, but the N76 account balance was very loud.
In September, I want to be more money conscious and savvy. I also want to look good andfeel good. I also want to be more organised and less distracted – more intentional. The sad thing I realised the other day was thatI don’t have any goals. It’s really weird – I feel like I should be having goals for each month and striving to achieve them, as opposed to having the month just rush past. I’ll definitely have to work on that.
There’s other things, but I’ve written a lot in this post already. I guess I’ll just have to tackle them on my own.