Mind on the Month: December, Good-Bye 2017!
I wanted to publish this yesterday, motivated further by the many links dropped in The Bloggers’ Advocate group to articles reflecting on 2017. However, It’s not too late! I don’t think this will be long (Issa lie), but it’ll definitely be reflective.
For December, I started off the month by entering ‘one chance’. It was a crazy experience, and I am glad I realized what was up before it was too late. I was so entertained by the dialogue that I started videoing them with my phone. So if anyone is filled with disbelief, I have evidence! I honestly should be a journalist.
2017 was a year I can describe as topsy-turvy. It came with its highs, and it came with its lows. I think I can pride myself on the fact that I remember the highs majorly, while the lows are tucked into the back of my mind. I really felt growth this year, because I was challenged in so many ways. I realized that I’m growing older. I’m turning 20 in 2018 and I’m frankly filled with curiosity. I don’t want to grow older, and the thought of responsibilities is scary yet an expected fate.
THE DOWNSIDE OF DEPENDENCY
There was one event that really shook me, and made me feel so angry, but I knew that I had to keep pushing and working hard if I want the things I want. It was a situation whereby you’re rendered helpless by the actions of others, and yet you can’t do anything about it because they’re your lifeline. I hate this dependency, and I really want to put my head down and work on getting out of it.
Nigerian University Life
University life was also challenging, I started new relationships this year while some withered slowly. Assignments and tests weighed me down, and I didn’t perform as well as I wanted to. Exams were scary especially in this last semester, I’m just worried over the outcome. I also took on new responsibilities which stressed me out! It’s not easy to be in a position where you can be blamed for mistakes. It’s especially challenging when you try not to be compared to the last person in that role, feeling like you have to mould yourself into that person. I’m in no way outgoing, yet I ended up as the class rep – it’s petrifying.
A series of unfortunate decisions
I really made some bad decisions this year. Terrible decisions which left me very ashamed and feeling dead inside. The type of bad decisions that just keep getting worse because though you know you’re supposed to stop, you continue. Eventually, it feels phony to even ask for forgiveness from God. People see you as one thing, but they don’t know what is going on deep down, they don’t know the demons you’re fighting or how you wish you could get help but have essentially nobody even if you have everybody around you.
I was depleted spiritually, and even on the 31st of December during the morning church service, I wished that God would just take me away. The unfortunate thing about this wish is that I wouldn’t go to heaven, and so I’m glad he did not.
A brand is born, baby!
As for the highs, I started my blog! I actually didn’t see myself becoming someone with a title of ‘blogger’, and right now only a handful of people in my life know. No family members know, because I don’t want to get discouraged or whatever. I’m the type of person that works on something in secret and makes it thrive. When a thing thrives, people can’t really speak much against it. I’ve always wanted to be a writer, saw myself as the next Chimamanda (and even greater) but I still have no idea how I’ll get there. Until I figure that out, I’m practicing my skills with this blog. Who knows, maybe I don’t necessarily have to be a published author to pursue my writing dreams.
Other highs include getting my first website and domain for this blog, pushing myself to create a brand for myself – Mind of Amaka. I remember I was so conflicted about whether to create a new Instagram account for my blog brand, but I’m glad I took the plunge. Even when I opened the blog I didn’t just sit alone in my corner of the internet – I explored! I visited many other blogs in search of great reads and I left so many comments which worked in my favor.
If you’re a new blogger, strive to reach out to others – leave meaningful comments! Don’t just say one word and drop your blog link, say at least a sentence. Trust me, it’ll work out! No blogger is an Island, you need other bloggers! That’s why things took another exciting turn when I joined The Bloggers’ Advocate Support Group on Whatsapp. They have been a constant source of knowledge and entertainment for me, click here to join!
Savings, Tears & Driving Lessons
I actually saved a lot (though I have nothing to show for it except things I bought), did things which earned me extra funds to update my wardrobe here and there. I took some crazy decisions – getting a curly red weave in February. Oh man, that was the craziest! My classmates wouldn’t stop roasting me. I doubted myself, I cried, I told myself not to cry, I tried to encourage myself..so many emotions. I also went out way more, went to new places, figured out new routes and things – knowledge is power, tbh. I was made to sign up for driving lessons – some of the scariest days of my life. I am nowhere close to ready for that #roadlife. I’ll stick to my public transport escapades, thanks! One definite highlight was joining the flatlay gang!
What’s Good, 2018?
In a post later today, I’ll give you more of a low-down of what I’m expecting for my blog life. However, personally, this year is again about growth – specifically spiritual growth. Yesterday at the crossover service, Pastor E.A. Adeboye, the General Overseer of RCCG, prophesied. One of Pastor Adeboye’s 2018 prophesies for the international scene was that the countdown to the end has begun. Silence washed over the audience both in the live stream and in my church. I’m sure every other person watching felt the silence. He also said climate change and laws passed which allow people to live as in the days of Sodom and Gomorrah were all part of the instruments for the end. I was filled with dread.
Related: Short Story – ‘The Day’
All through 2017, I kept telling myself that Jesus is coming soon, and it’s been confirmed again. I hate that we don’t know the exact date or time, and I am scared. I wouldn’t be scared if I was right with God. I’m really going to pursue my faith, and I want to help others who are struggling. The thought of being raptured into heaven is the ultimate goal. Once he said that, everything else stopped mattering.
The makeup, hair, clothing and travelling items on my wishlist, goals for 2018, even living day to day. I wished I could run to Mexico and build some kind of bunker where I’d hide and pray every day until Jesus came, but that’s not possible. We all need to be as careful as possible, because imagine if the moment you compromised was when rapture occurred? God forbid. I just want to live right, but now the question on my mind is how does one make heaven? I have to start praying each day, and reading the bible. I’d appreciate any help you can offer me.
I don’t mean to scare anyone, but it is what it is. While I’ll still be my weird self, I want to make heaven. I don’t want to spend eternity in heat – I hate Abuja’s hot weather, why would I then want to be in perpetual flames? God, I’m petrified. I hope we all take charge of our spiritual lives.