So, the last week was quite overwhelming. Things started off on a good note: school was back in action, registration sahara was over and done with. Yet, as class after class was attended and tasks were dished out, I began to feel overwhelmed. On one hand, I had certain duties I had to carry out which was stressful because people don’t corporate. On the other hand, assignments were already being dished out left and right, coupled with two surprise assessments thrown into the mix. There were also a host of books we needed to bring to each class. Slowly but surely, I began to feel overwhelmed.
The peak was on Thursday. I was absolutely stressed out and drained by the end of the class. It was Law of Evidence 1, and as the class ended I felt more confused than anything. I wondered how I’d be able to survive, how I’d be able to grasp the provisions of section 4-14 with all its intricacies. My small print textbook by Aguda began to look useless. All through the week I had poor time management, only rushing to do the pre-class activities before the class started. On some occasions I had to run and hide in a classroom somewhere just so I could focus and finish. That, coupled with annoying and inconsiderate individuals, really had me stressed.
Then, I made a stupid decision. You know when you start the year resolving not to do a certain thing? Someone reading this may roll their eyes and say new years resolutions do not work, but I needed this specific one to work. Yet, there I was, realising the stupidity of my decision and mistake. I’m in a confused place. I thought I was doing well, thought I was slowly getting things together. I’d been doing the RCCG fasting consistently, going to church nearly every day apart from Sunday evening to break the fast with the rest of the church. I thought I had a grip.
Yet, I gave in. The disappointment filled me and I couldn’t make it to church. I went home contemplating my life and my decisions.
On Friday I went to school and after a long day felt weighed down. I was kind of frustrated with the events of the day especially concerning some wasteful decisions I made. I was upset as i went to church, and I stopped by a kilishi seller who sold me some teeny amount of kilishi for N400. I felt he’d cheated me but out of frustration kept going to church.
During the service at some point I just was crying from frustration. I sat at the back after service ended, waiting for the couple i usually go home with since they live in my area. While there my pastors wife approached me and asked how studies were going. I didn’t want to say my automatic response of ‘fine’ so I said it was stressful. With the way she looked at me, I knew she was probably about to say I don’t know what stress is.
She said our stress levels couldn’t be compared, but that I shouldn’t be stressed since school is all I should be focusing on. I tried to say ‘but it’s overwhelming’ but my voice broke and I put my hand to my mouth as new tears came out. She didn’t see my face and just pushed my head playfully before walking away. She didn’t know I was crying. Nobody even noticed.
Later on, I opened the bag to eat the kilishi I was looking forward to, only to teste something rubbery and rotten tasting. I was so disappointed.
Either way, thet Friday made me realise how truly alone I was. Everyone has their own problems and of course they won’t notice me breaking down. I don’t expect them to, I’m not entitled to help. However, to have someone ask me if I’m alright would’ve made a difference no matter how small. I hated that I was crying because it made me feel vulnerable. I’m not saying crying is a crime – cry when you need to! – however, I hate crying because in circumstances I’m like ‘what will crying do? the problem will still persist.” I couldn’t even reach out or text anybody, because I just don’t want to burden anyone. I felt so alone. I’m just glad I slept that night and woke up on Saturday feeling better.
Either way, I’ve realised that ultimately we’re all alone. I wished I could just hear God talking to me and telling me comforting words, but I can’t.
This post didn’t mean to be so long, and It’s a departure from the usual up-beat nature of my posts, yet I just really needed to write my thoughts down.