Ultimately, You’re All Alone

So, the last week was quite overwhelming. Things started off on a good note: school was back in action, registration sahara was over and done with. Yet, as class after class was attended and tasks were dished out, I began to feel overwhelmed. On one hand, I had certain duties I had to carry out which was stressful because people don’t corporate. On the other hand, assignments were already being dished out left and right, coupled with two surprise assessments thrown into the mix. There were also a host of books we needed to bring to each class. Slowly but surely, I began to feel overwhelmed.

The peak was on Thursday. I was absolutely stressed out and drained by the end of the class. It was Law of Evidence 1, and as the class ended I felt more confused than anything. I wondered how I’d be able to survive, how I’d be able to grasp the provisions of section 4-14 with all its intricacies. My small print textbook by Aguda began to look useless. All through the week I had poor time management, only rushing to do the pre-class activities before the class started. On some occasions I had to run and hide in a classroom somewhere just so I could focus and finish. That, coupled with annoying and inconsiderate individuals, really had me stressed.

Then, I made a stupid decision. You know when you start the year resolving not to do a certain thing? Someone reading this may roll their eyes and say new years resolutions do not work, but I needed this specific one to work. Yet, there I was, realising the stupidity of my decision and mistake. I’m in a confused place. I thought I was doing well, thought I was slowly getting things together. I’d been doing the RCCG fasting consistently, going to church nearly every day apart from Sunday evening to break the fast with the rest of the church. I thought I had a grip.

Yet, I gave in. The disappointment filled me and I couldn’t make it to church. I went home contemplating my life and my decisions.

On Friday I went to school and after a long day felt weighed down. I was kind of frustrated with the events of the day especially concerning some wasteful decisions I made. I was upset as i went to church, and I stopped by a kilishi seller who sold me some teeny amount of kilishi for N400. I felt he’d cheated me but out of frustration kept going to church.

During the service at some point I just was crying from frustration. I sat at the back after service ended, waiting for the couple i usually go home with since they live in my area. While there my pastors wife approached me and asked how studies were going. I didn’t want to say my automatic response of ‘fine’ so I said it was stressful. With the way she looked at me, I knew she was probably about to say I don’t know what stress is.

She said our stress levels couldn’t be compared, but that I shouldn’t be stressed since school is all I should be focusing on. I tried to say ‘but it’s overwhelming’ but my voice broke and I put my hand to my mouth as new tears came out. She didn’t see my face and just pushed my head playfully before walking away. She didn’t know I was crying. Nobody even noticed.

Later on, I opened the bag to eat the kilishi I was looking forward to, only to teste something rubbery and rotten tasting. I was so disappointed.

Either way, thet Friday made me realise how truly alone I was. Everyone has their own problems and of course they won’t notice me breaking down. I don’t expect them to, I’m not entitled to help. However, to have someone ask me if I’m alright would’ve made a difference no matter how small. I hated that I was crying because it made me feel vulnerable. I’m not saying crying is a crime – cry when you need to! – however, I hate crying because in circumstances I’m like ‘what will crying do? the problem will still persist.” I couldn’t even reach out or text anybody, because I just don’t want to burden anyone. I felt so alone. I’m just glad I slept that night and woke up on Saturday feeling better.

Either way, I’ve realised that ultimately we’re all alone. I wished I could just hear God talking to me and telling me comforting words, but I can’t.

This post didn’t mean to be so long, and It’s a departure from the usual up-beat nature of my posts, yet I just really needed to write my thoughts down.

7 thoughts on “Ultimately, You’re All Alone”

  1. Oh dear, I want to say I know how you feel but I don’t because I cannot compare how I’ve felt in moment like this to how you feel now.

    But I have this to say that, “You will be fine. A new day will come and you’d look back to this day and be glad it happened. Just hang in there, take a deep breath, reflect again on why you are on this journey and what you want to achieve. Look yourself in the mirror and say “I will do fine’. It is very normal to get overwhelmed but I believe we can do anything and everything through Christ who strengthens us. One day at a time please, one day at a time.”

    Chin up darling, you are stronger than you think.

    Much love,

  2. Hmmm! Baby Girl, You’re not alone. We all have these moments and it can be terrible when no one seems to see what’s happening. I’m glad you feel better at the moment. It’s okay to cry as well but it’s great when we have that one friend we can talk to, I’m not even referring to prayer right now. Prayer does help too.
    Writing your thoughts too and Music certainly works for me.
    Ummm… and if it’s school that’s stressing you find out how your seniors or people who have been in your shoes cope.
    For me when school started to stress me I just left it and tried to do other things to take my mind off or I found a more convenient atmosphere to do stuff.
    I hope all these don’t sound like gibberish.
    In summary,
    – Get you a friend that you can rant to
    – Give it to God
    – Do something to take your mind off
    – Strike a balance and find methods that work for you
    If you check it, we aren’t all that alone.

  3. I was reading this post and i started crying.Honestly i know exactly how you feel. I had the same issue last weekend ,school felt like an excersice in futility and everything just comes down on you at once.And even though people may say its not a big deal to you its too much to bear. I stayed home for a whole weekend and cried and cried. Honestly one just needs to cry it out at times and call on the Father because well He is the only one who is always available and can help. I am still struggling with my life issues but if ever you need someone to talk to i am always available.

  4. I totally get what you mean Amaka. I know exactly how you felt and it really is the worst feeling ever. That realization that at the end of the day, we’re actually all alone .I do hope that you’re feeling better and if you’re ever feeling down and you need someone to talk to , you can always DM. I’m always happy to talk! <3
    Coco Bella Blog

  5. Hey Amaka, even when you think you’re alone, you’re never really alone. God is with you. I know it sounds very cliché but it’s the truth. Don’t expect human to see and understand how you feel. We all have our different struggles and they may not interpret it the way it’s happening to you.

    It’s good you have a blog where you can share how you feel. It’s also good to have a friend you can call to take your mind off the stress or maybe something you can do. When I was in Uni, whenever I was overwhelmed with school work I would go visit a friend and gist. Just girl talk. I won’t even talk about my problems, we’ll just gist about clothes, movies and boys and I’ll feel better afterwards. You may want to try it.

    But what I know is true is that it gets better and tomorrow you’ll look at this time and thank God he helped you through it.

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